Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Bag of vomit trumps all.

In the Grocery Store Protocol Governing Right of Way, employees, especially those taking out the garbage, come last. Very, very last.

When walking around in any grocery store, it's considered polite to let the handicapped, the elderly and women with small children go before you, Mr. or Mrs. Regular Customer. For a grocery store employee, the code is a little more complicated than that. The sequence of who gets priority goes a little something like this:

  • Handicapped with service dogs
  • Handicapped in motorized carts
  • Pregnant woman in her 3rd trimester
  • Self-important SOB from nearby Island Community because, goodness knows, they own the very air we are privileged to breathe.
  • Handicapped not in motorized carts
  • Elderly
  • and/or confused
  • Mother with a child who needs to go potty RIGHT NOW
  • Mother with a child who needed to go potty a moment ago and is now a wet, embarrassed, bawling mess
  • Pregnant woman in her 2nd trimester
  • Mother with an infant
  • Mother with a 2-year-old
  • Rogue 2-year-old
  • 60-something woman with long gray hair and a blindingly pink velour track suit--don't look directly at the track suit!
  • Customers who dawdle along, oblivious to anyone else in the world, sniffing all the handmade soaps and trying out the backscratchers with no concern whatsoever for the other people who exist in the same space and have either shopping or a job to do . . .
  • Regular customers
  • Employees
  • Employees taking out the garbage

Today, however, I made an executive decision and amended the rules. The card that trumps them all, the situation, no matter who is in the aisle and with what infirmity, that outweighs all other situations is: Employee Carrying Bag of Vomit.

Could my job *be* any more glamorous?

Tuesday, March 9, 2010

a little announcement . . .

I meant to mention this earlier. Like a month or four ago . . . And yesterday a couple girlfriends stopped by to see me at work and called me out on this. Sorry, girlfriends! Here it is:

Remember this little girl?

Hi, Sweet Pea!

Well, she's grown a whole lot!

Hi again, Lily! Oh, wait--what does your shirt say?????

Yep! Our little Lily is going to be the big sister very soon! The new baby is due on May 30th. All the babies in the family have always been late--so I'm shooting for June 12th . . . which just happens to be my birthday! Beautiful isn't willing for any such date. Beautiful is willing for, mmmm, let's say sometime in late May. And that is all. Period. We'll just see : )

Oh, and guess what else?

New baby is a boy!!!!

And just one last picture because I am, after all, the Grammy and I am, after all, contractually obliged to shamelessly indulge : )

Who's that darling little girl sitting on Uncle Wrestler's lap?

Yeah, I know. Even I am going into a diabetic coma : )

Thursday, March 4, 2010

This is going to hurt you way more than it's going to hurt me.

In the midst of making my famous--and delicious--Mexican Chicken Chili, Youngest walks in to the kitchen and says, "That looks good. But you know what's really good? Grandma's white bean chili."

Oh, that poor, stupid little bastard.

"First of all, Youngest, you're not having any dinner tonight. Secondly, here's a heads up for you: If a girl is ever cooking you a meal do not start a sentence with, 'You know what's really good?' You'll thank me later."