Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Keep the change.

I have a new dentist. He is approximately 12 years old.

I didn't go willingly to the new mouth guy. The dentist I have had since I was nine years old retired a few months ago, leaving Doogie Howser in his stead.

I like my old dentist. Moreover, I am comfortable with my old dentist. He has seen me change from kid to young woman to wife to mom to grammy. I am friendly with his wife and though I don't know his sons personally, I know quite a lot about their lives. And he knows quite a lot about my kids' lives.

Dr. Retiree was a volunteer coach for the high school football team. In addition to dentisting my children's teeth, he coached my son on the field.

And then he hung up his drill and called it a day.

I do not savor change.

I did not happily present myself to Dr. Paper Route.

He tried to make small talk. He asked me about my parents and about my husband's health--Parents and Hubby apparently are so okay with being uprooted from their oral moorings that they went in months ago to open wide for Sunny Jim, DDS.

He was trying so hard to be personable that I decided I should probably throw the poor kid a crumb. I mentioned another of his patients, my son, Youngest.

"Oh, yes! Youngest! He's a great guy!" he remarked.

Of course he likes Youngest. They have so much in common--both being 8th graders.

I think they're going snow boarding next weekend. As long as their chores are done.

Change.

Blech.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

now I'm just stealing material . . .

Here's a fun fact:
I've been blogging again lately!

Another fun fact (only without the fun, so . . . just a fact . . . )
The muse has pretty much left me. Oh well, I sure enjoyed it while it lasted : )

And now that I've actually started blogging again, Hubby and I are going away for most of the week for our anniversary! I'll have no internet access, probably won't take pictures, won't be able to keep up with all of your blogs and generally will lose the rhythm again and have nothing to share for three more months except cute grandbaby pictures : )

Knowing that I'm letting all of my readers down (both of you--I know, it's scandalous!) I'll leave you with something I took straight from Kuckie's blog (Hi, Kuckie!)

Anyone willing to argue that the content of the following isn't the absolute truth about men and women? Anyone?

Didn't think so : )

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
  • Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
  • Walk to bathroom wearing long robe.
  • If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
  • Look at your womanly physique in the mirror -- make mental note to do more sit-ups/leg-lifts, etc.
  • Get in the shower. Use wash cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
  • Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
  • Wash your hair again to make sure it's clean.
  • Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner.
  • Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
  • Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.
  • Rinse conditioner off hair.
  • Shave armpits and legs.
  • Rinse off.
  • Turn off shower.
  • Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
  • Spray mold spots with Tilex.
  • Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country.
  • Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
  • Return to bedroom wearing long robe and towel on head.
  • If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:

  • Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
  • Walk naked to the bathroom.
  • If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the woo-woo sound.
  • Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
  • Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your butt.
  • Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits.
  • Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.
  • Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
  • Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.
  • Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.
  • Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.
  • Pee.
  • Rinse off and get out of shower.
  • Partially dry off.
  • Fail to notice the water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.
  • Admire wiener size in mirror again.
  • Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, and light and fan on.
  • Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
  • If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the woo-woo sound again.
  • Throw wet towel on bed.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

ode to Aphrodite and Eros . . . and maybe Cupid . . .



Number One Son is vehemently against Hallmark holidays. But he has a girlfriend and she is every bit a girl. She likes romance and a little wooing--nothing wrong with that.

While Number One adores her and doesn't mind thinking of creative ways to surprise his girl, the idea of climbing aboard the store bought courtship train rankles. He does what any self-respecting (and self-preserving) guy does: he compromises.

He's giving her a basket of goodies specifically aimed at calming her grade-school-teacher-in-an-economically-disadvantaged-area-with-baby-gangster-students nerves. Massage oil, bath salts--special little luxuries like that. Plus two unique medications.

Dr. Number One Son wrote the prescriptions and asked Greg The Pharmacist to type the official labels. Instructions are as follows:


  • ANTI-CHILD HISTAMINE--Take two tablets by mouth daily or as needed for temporary relief of unruly children.

  • EUPHORIEX--Promotes feelings of relaxation and well being when taken regularly with a steady dose of Boyfriend.


Discussing this clever dosage of love with my coworkers reminded a technician, Robbie, of a pseudo prescription his former boss made for a friend. The vial was filled with green M&Ms and was assigned the drug name Mycocksafloppin.

heh heh

Happy Valentine's Day.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Conversation. Or maybe I mean confrontation?

She said: "I bought something today."

He asked: "Oh? What?"

She answered: "A heart monitor for keeping track of my workout."

He skeptically asked: "How much?"

She explained: "I was using the loaner ones they have at the gym, but I was concerned about getting hepatitis via sweat from the other people who use them."

He patiently asked again: "How much was the monitor, Kris?"

She explained some more: "It was on sale--20% off!"

He lost his patience: "I didn't ask you if it was on sale. I asked you how much you spent on it."

She sheepishly answered: "$95"

He exclaimed: "You spent 95 of our hard earned dollars?"

She tried a hard sell: "But look at all the cool features it has! See? It tells how long my workout was; how many calories I burned; how many of those calories were from fat; what my highest and lowest heart rates were; what my average heart rate was . . . "

He took a mischievous interest: "Let me look at that. It also tells me that you worked out for 45 minutes and spent 95 dollars!"

She didn't miss a beat: "But think of all the money in medical bills and prescriptions and a liver transplant I'm saving us by not getting hepatitis from the loaner heart monitors! Who's the savvy investor now, huh? Mmm hmm. That's right."

She called after him as he walked away: "Hey--eye rolling is not an answer!"

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

for every parent

Even armed with the best professional advice, we're all destined to screw up our kids in some way : )


toothpastefordinner.com

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

How to ruin the mood in one easy step.

Last night, Hubby and I were lying in bed watching TV. His hand was on my leg, gently caressing and squeezing. (Honestly, the way this man still digs me after 24 years is the sweetest thing : )

The leg thing went on and on--all very tender and slow. Finally I said, "You know, the way you're doing that, it's almost like you're judging livestock at the county fair." He was impressed. But undaunted.

"I have a question," I announced. He braced himself. "If pig meat is called pork, and cow meat is called beef, what do you think human meat would be called?"

His hand stopped. His arm moved. He rolled over.

I'll take 'Not Conducive To Romance' for $200, Alex!