Saturday I invited my single friend, Dude, to meet me at work for lunch because I am concerned that he's not getting out enough lately. And I won't tell him, but I'll tell you, I am deeply worried that he's the kind of guy who, in the future, neighbors will describe as, "a loner who always kept to himself." And I'm going to be the deluded idiot on the witness stand saying, "He was always gentle and kind with his cats. I never had any idea he was burying victims in his garden . . . "
My concern about his isolation stems from several e-mail and phone conversations. In one of which he reported to me that he'd spent the whole of the previous day in his sweats.
The next time I spoke to him, I asked what he'd been up to. "Have you been doing anything interesting lately? Getting out of the house much?"
Why yes, he in fact had gotten out of the house recently. He'd spent the afternoon doing errands with a friend. "Oh, good," I remarked, "that must mean you didn't spend the whole day in sweats!"
"Yes, I did!" he answered with not just a little bit of defensiveness. "But I wore nice sweats. They even have pockets. And a back pocket for my wallet."
"No," I was adamant, "I'm not going to let this go. Sweats in public? Not an option. Not if you have any hope of being found attractive by women. No. Not even if they're nice sweats or unstained, unripped sweats. Not even if they have pockets! (And by the way? Just because they have a back pocket for your wallet does not make them non-sweats . . . ) Not even if they are your dress sweats. Just no.
"You're a good looking guy, Dude, but most women do not find men in sweats attractive. Trust me on this."
"But I was wearing my nice leather loafers!" Dude countered. Seriously. That was his defense.
"Yeah? Leather loafers? And were you also wearing an ascot tie? And a jaunty cap? Because that would make it . . . STILL SWEATS! And still completely repellent to women!"
"I'm wearing my sweats again today," he said, and I could almost hear his lower lip jutting out as he said it : )
"So, how's that working for you?" I asked with sticky sweet mock concern in my voice, "Wearing sweats. No girlfriend. Correlation?"
"Probably a correlation between the sweats and something," he reluctantly capitulated.
"Ah well, at least you're comfortable, right?" Yes--straight for the jugular! I am such a good friend!
Funny, Dude hasn't called or e-mailed me since then. I wonder why?