Friday, April 10, 2009

It would be funny if it weren't true.

I don't usually think of myself as a clumsy or stupid person. But my body and mouth rebelliously tell a different story. Like the Thanksgiving I was playing Pictionary with my entire extended family.

I was partnered with my cousin, Greg, who was a college student. I have no idea what the word was nor what the clues he was drawing were, but I vividly remember yelling out in a strong and clear voice "nutsack!" Greg looked at me with such surprise on his face. And then launched into a giggling fit such that he could no longer hold a pencil, let alone coherently draw clues . . .

And there was the housewarming party for another cousin, Leslie. Leslie is one of those people whose home is always neat as a pin even though she has two children and a rambunctious dog. She's so tidy and together that she opted to put white carpeting in her family room.

We were extremely careful to insist that Gabe, still 3 at the time, eat and drink only on the patio outside so we wouldn't have any unfortunate carpet accidents.

Naturally, I was the one who dropped a strawberry margarita on the floor. The white carpeted floor. And it splashed all over the back of the white couch. I don't even know how it happened. I wasn't tipsy. Nobody bumped me. I didn't trip. It just slipped out of my hand . . .

A couple weeks ago at work I was waiting on a stunning younger man. Does anyone else have the problem of being klutzy once a month related to menstrual cycle? I do. Waiting on him I kept dropping things and generally making an idiot of myself. Anyone in the world looking on would have thought I was flustered because I was taken with his handsomeness. But I wasn't. I was just being me.

The piece de resistance was when, at the very end of the transaction, I was handing him the bag with his medications and I managed to scoop up my name badge too--as though I was attempting to not-so-casually encourage him to give me a call.

While I was strangling myself with the lanyard and, red faced, trying to untangle it from his hand, he was chuckling at me. I was dying and wishing I could say, "No really--I'm not coming on to you, I'm just short-bus special."

I could tell a hundred stories like that. So it came as no surprise to my darling husband the other night when I again found myself in a bit of a jam.

Sitting at the computer, I had an itch on my knee. I was alone, it was dark and I was wearing yoga pants. Seemed like a fine idea to put my hand inside the waistband of my pants, reach down to my knee and scratch.

My bracelet got caught on my pants seam. Really caught. And I couldn't dislodge it. I had to walk into the other room, bent over double with my hand still in my pants, and ask hubby to unhook my hand from my knee. I was laughing so hard I could barely explain to him what had happened.

Not that he was asking.

He's used to me and my problems by now.


CSY said...

Oh THAT was AWESOME!! Just what my Friday morning needed...a giggle and coffee snorting out my nose. No, I wasn't really laughing at you (sort of), but that sounds like something I would SO do!!!

Missy said...

I'm just short-bus special. Thanks for the laugh this morning. I am just like that.

Cindy said...

Too funny! I have tears from laughing. Thanks for the picture!

Angie said...

Oh Kristin! I was going to say that I honestly have never thought of you as a klutz at all and that most of these incidents must be exaggerated by your own embarassment.

Then I recalled the bit about the strawberry margarita.

Yeah. You're pretty much hopeless.

Mama DEFINITELY don't need no more booze....


Whitenoise said...

too funny!

Anna See said...

Oh my goodness! I love hearing that other people get themselves into strange situations! Very funny.