Sunday, March 29, 2009

On-line solutions. Part II. *With special instructions!

Back to the craigslist thing . . .

When I realized Hubby was having some fun with me by searching for new wife candidates, I figured I'd help out by narrowing down the prospects.

One thing we figured out right away is that women don't post photos of themselves in these ads nearly as often as men do.

I scrolled down the list of hopefuls. Hubby blurted, "Hey wait, click on that one--there's a picture!"

"Nope," I firmly responded.

"But why?" he sounded so dejected.

"Because she's only 28! You don't get to have anyone under 30."

He was speechless at my dictatorial command. heh heh

Quickly bored by the lack of interesting nominees, I changed the search parameters a bit.

Which is to say, I started checking out the guys.

Know what's interesting about men who post personal ads on craigslist? They also post photos. Lots of photos. Many of them post photos of their best features. Or what they consider to be their best features . . .

And so, in the interest of public service, I offer:

How *Not* To Photograph Your Naughty Bits.
A Tutorial For Men

If you are a man placing a men-seeking-women ad on craigslist and you insist on posting an up-close-and-personal shot of your manly parts, here are a few simple rules of thumb.

  1. Do not take the picture of yourself while in the bathroom. There are many, many reasons for this rule, chief among them is that if you're closed in your bathroom to take a picture, one imagines that you aren't alone in the house. Otherwise, why the need for privacy? And if you're not alone in the house, what kind of dog are you posting a personal ad on craigslist?
  2. If, for whatever reason, you must shut yourself in the bathroom to take a photo of your Soldier of Love, crop the photo so that the viewer cannot see your pants and underwear around your ankles. Nothing says "classy guy" like seeing pants and underwear shrouding your ankles while you take naked pictures of yourself. In the bathroom. Seriously.
  3. Again, if a natural disaster forces you to stage a photo shoot of your junk in the bathroom, in the name of all that is right and good, do not sit on the toilet. Images of toilets do not arouse women. Just no.
  4. And if you're smart enough not to sit on the toilet while arranging the perfect Still Life of Meatballs and Sausage, do not in anywise capture the toilet in the photo. It bears repeating images of toilets do not arouse women. Just no.
  5. That photo that you have of your ex performing lasciviously? DO NOT POST THIS PHOTO WITH YOUR 'HELP WANTED' AD. Seems like it should go without saying, doesn't it? But I'm saying . . .
  6. No matter how good or bad your picture is, use spellcheck before posting. If you're already going to put yourself out there as the kind of guy who thinks uploading portraits of Peter The Great is an appropriate way to lure the love of your life, don't make the mistake of also appearing stoopid. To wit:

"not looking for eney drama"

"i need some people too chat with"

"my spelling it suck's sometimes and my gramer needs work too" [Okay, at least this guy knows and admits his limitations.]

And one final note, guys: It's not just lonely women looking for life partners who are perusing craigslist ads. There are also husbands and wives who are sitting at their computers, scrolling through the scores of ads and giggling their faces off at what you all think are seriously suave attempts to beguile the woman of your dreams. You might want to think it through a bit.

I'm just sayin' . . .

8 comments:

CSY said...

OMG!!! THIS is too funny! There is a WHOLE blog site dedicated to 'Why Women Hate Men'...that's the name of it...IT'S HILARIOUS!!! Oh and BTW, why is it that hubby's think its ok to 'browse' craigslist? I've tried to get my hubby to look at the ladies on there just so he could see how good he has it at home. hehehehe!

country mouse said...

In my hubby's defense, he isn't a browser--he was just teasing me that night. Whenever he has a night out with the boys he always comes home and basically kisses my feet 'cause he knows how good he has it. He's really a sweet, devoted man . . . with soft blue eyes . . . and rock hard muscles . . . *sigh*

CSY said...

Mine has brown bedroom eyes...yes, he still makes my heart do the pitter patter thing even after 13 yrs of togetherness....sigh

Flutterby said...

LMAO!! They would do well to make sure the Superman Underoos are not showing in the pic either.

Whitenoise said...

Yeah, funny. I've never visited Craigslist, guess I should have a peek just in case I need to shop my resume... ;-)

Angie said...

OMG- You guys sound SO much like my hubby and I. Craig's list is always great for cheap entertainment. Be sure to check out the heading "best of craig's list" There's always something interesting there..

great post-
Angie

Tink said...

I am thinkin..never mind to the "best of Criags list", this is where the entertainment is at...best of the blog world for sure!

Anonymous said...

i was reading what csy said about taking a look on craigslist to let her hubby know how good he has it with her. i thought i'd do the same and scope out the competition in case dan ever gets tired of putting up with me. so i got on and searched for women in our county and the first posting i saw glaring at the top of the page was "herpes positive".

i think it's safe to say he's not going to leave me for some girl on craigslist no matter how much i may bug him sometimes :)