Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I'm leaving my husband

He's doing it again.

Hubby and I were grocery shopping together tonight. I was picking out bananas when I heard an offensive noise that felt like a disturbing attempt at accompanying the store muzak. Looking up, I saw my husband walking toward me. Whistling.

I couldn't hold my tongue this time.

"Do you realize how off key you are?" I accused.

"Yep" he replied, undaunted. "That's why I do it so loud."


In the car he managed to ruin yet another of my heartbroken-teenage-girl-memory songs.

"A total eclipse of my farts . . . " he wails.

Next up was his haunting rendition of Journey's Wheel In The Sky. Haunting as in seriously scary. Like it will give me nightmares for a month. Like I wanted my mommy . . .

And then came The Who's Baba O'Riley.

"Out here in the fields . . . " he shrieks.

Part way through the song I start begging, "Please don't sing the really high parts. Or the really low parts." Or anything in between . . .

He and his trusty air guitar just keep right on jammin' with Pete and Roger.

"I was destined to be a rock star!" he announces proudly. "Only I have no tone. Or rhythm. But I make up for it with enthusiasm! . . . The exodus is here . . . "

I grip the steering wheel so hard I lose the feeling in my fingers. I grind my teeth til my fillings make sparks. "Do you know why I only played the classical station in the car for all those years?" I yell above his tenor. Or counter tenor. Or counterfeit tenor.

" . . . it's only teenage wasteland . . . Because I couldn't sing along with Beethoven and Mozart?" he grins mischievously. Darn it. He got to the punchline before I could.

"THEY'RE ALL WASTED!!" he passionately cries in his best rock voice. And then he launches into a wicked multi-air instrument solo. Townshend windmill and all . . .

I begin to mentally divide our assets.


jenontheedge said...

Yep, I'd say it's time to toss his stuff out the window and onto the front lawn.

Geggie said...

I'm cringing.

Anonymous said...

This made me laugh so hard I'm pretty sure it woke alex up :)

This is why I'm so glad that I am no longer with you two.

countrymouse said...

Jen and Geggie--I know, right? I totally have a great case, don't I? Don't you think a judge would award me like *everything* in the settlement for enduring this kind of torture?

Oh, Beautiful--my sweet little pooky--my *favorite* daughter who I heart dearly--don't you have an extra room? And wouldn't it be fun if mama moved in with you and we could hang out and watch The Office and eat cookie dough again? And I'm sure Dan wouldn't mind living with the not-exactly-mother-in-law, what with the new baby coming and all, right? And I could pay you rent 'cause my 24 hour a week job pays me 32 cents a month!!!! (gross, 19 cents net . . . ) Whaddaya think? Good plan????

Simon Sterwin said...

I'm swinging by from Erin O'Brien's spot. Great post!

Your better half sounds like a man with a sense of humour I can appreciate.

Right, I'm off to hum La Traviata in the library...

Amy said...

I've been so happy all day from the nice comments you left on my blog, Just wanted to say thanks.

And there is *NO WAY* from that picture that you're going to be a Grandma ! Congratulations !

ajooja said...

Get him "Guitar Hero" and put it in another room. Notice I said GUITAR HERO. "Rock Band" has a microphone and allows the player to sing along. Only do that if you really want out. ;)

countrymouse said...

Hey, thanks Simon! No. Wait a minute. You're calling *him* the BETTER half? What does that make me??? *sigh* And I thought you and I could be friends . . . : )

Amy, I've been *loving* reading your blog!!! You are too funny, girl : )

Damn, ajooja--first you side with hubby on the whistling and now this? Actually, he told me that he tried Guitar Hero in a store and embarassed himself thoroughly. I think I'm safe for now : )