Saturday, March 29, 2008

And he seemed like such a nice guy when he first walked into the room . . .

I finally broke down and saw an actual doctor about my tendinitis or whatever it is that's wrong with multiple areas of my left foot/leg musculoskeletal/soft tissue structure.

I can tell that Pharmacist Greg has tired of my asking his free medical advice because when I took off my shoe and sock at work and insisted he inspect my foot . . .

Okay. So I saw a real doctor.

And he seemed friendly and helpful when he walked into the exam room, but that was before he got all vile and malicious and told me in six different ways that I'm getting older. Older!

Did I mention his name is Dr. Buttface?

"What seems to be the problem, Kristin?"

"I have soreness and pain in my ankle and calf plus a stabbing/tingling pain on the outside of my arch."

"Have you had any recent change in activities?"

"Yes, in December I upgraded from walking every day to running every day. I bought really good running shoes though, so . . . "

"Every day? Running is really hard on older bodies and . . . "

OLDER bodies? What's that all about? I'm not older! You're older. I am not older!

"Really, you should probably scale back to walking. Let's take an X-ray to make sure there aren't any stress fractures or other visible problems."

Some time later, like after finding out that not only am I uncommonly unphotogenic on the outside, but even more so on the inside . . .

"Well, I don't see any stress fractures. But here and here, can you see the small bone spurs starting to develop?"

"Yes--what's that from? Is that dangerous? How do we fix that? Am I panicking enough to suit your evil ends?"

"They're not dangerous, it just happens as people age."

Seriously? The age thing again?

"In other words, Kristin, I can tell that I'm not looking at the X-ray of a 20 year old."

Elf. You.

"What I'd like you to do is take naproxin for a couple of weeks and then work slowly back into walking. Brisk walking will give you 75% of the aerobic benefit of running but without the damage to the joints."

"So by 'work slowly back into walking' do you mean it's okay to do 7 days a week but cut back from 6 to 5 miles a day?"

"Well . . . no. Three times a week for 40 minutes gives you a good cardio workout and gives your body time to rest in between. Because as the body ages it needs more recovery time . . . "

arrrrrgh!

"Anything else I need to know, Doc?"

"Whatever exercise you do, keep it low impact. Elliptical trainers are good, as are treadmills."

"What about doing aerobics on a trampoline? That's low impact, right?"

"Umm, no. Trampolines are for kids."

Asshat.

"What about going back to kickboxing? That was a phenomenal workout!"

"Kickboxing? Kickboxing?" Raised and suspicious eyebrow. "Your kickboxing days were over a couple decades ago."

You suck!

"Okay, but what about . . . "

"You know, Kristin, the more we talk, the more I understand the diagnosis."

"What do you mean?"

"You're too hard on yourself. You're not a kid anymore. A person your age needs to think about . . . "

And that's when I wrapped the blood pressure cuff around his neck and strangled him.

Dr. Buttface is dead.

I'm writing from jail.

The end.

8 comments:

Mary said...

Finally!

About damn time someone offed Dr. Buttface.

After that service to humanity, the least I can do is promise to visit you in jail, particularly if you promise to pass along any useful tips on how to deal with my own Dr. Buttface.

jenontheedge said...

The world is a better place without Dr. Buttface. Do you need bail money?

vuboq said...

I know how you feel ... I briefly mentioned that my liver hurt (I blame all the alcohol this weekend), and Y proceeded to lecture me on how *I'm* getting older and need to do more to keep in shape. Excuse me? Was I the one who just celebrated a 40th birthday? I. think. not.

Unfortunately (or fortunately for Y), I did not have a blood pressure cuff at the time.

Influencebad said...

LOL Oooooooh doctors, gotta love 'em..... or.... not. >_<

I'll be happy to contribute to the Help Country Mouse Make Bail Fund. Sounds like he deserved it. ^_^

Geggie said...

I'd like to assist in killing the dead doctor.

Whitenoise said...

Try getting an aviation medical every 6 months... That's Flight Surgeon Buttface to you.

Angie said...

Yes but...
You're still the best looking soon to be Grandma I know. Honestly.

countrymouse said...

I know, right Mary? *We* are paying the salaries of these doctors--don't they understand *anything* about customer service?

Thank you Jen and Becca for your offers of help with bail. I think I'm going to present the case to the judge as a crime of passion. That works, right?

Hope your liver is feeling better Vuboq : )

Angie, you made my day!

Geggie, you gave me a great laugh : )

Hey, 'Noise! Welcome back from your envy-inducing vacation : )