Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Let's just finish that thought about the naked pictures, shall we?

"Oh, hey, I have a great idea!" I said to myself. Stupidly.

As a side note, Myself wonders why I haven't learned from all my good ideas of the past that never quite panned out the way I had hoped.

The seed having been planted, I thought it would be a grand idea to take some boudoir photos of myself as a thoughtful Christmas present for Mister. Isn't that a lovely idea? I know, I know. It's really not. We've been together for 23 years, so by this point a nekkid picture is pretty much regifting. But . . .

I learned many things from this humiliating experience. Not the least of which was how difficult it is to take "artistic" photos of oneself without benefit of a tripod or a fancy shmancy camera with a timer thingy.

Step 1: Look around the house for a good location . . . a nice backdrop, if you will. Ideally, you want a surface to gracefully recline on that isn't unmade (the bed) or covered with projects and bills (the kitchen table) or bearing the ghosts of dog crap puppy prints (the couch.)

Step 2: Spend an hour or so scrambling to tidy up the potential scenery, only to discover there are environmental issues not under your control. (Translation: there's still too much crap in the background.) Realize this is going to take forever. Give up.

Step 3: Now that you're all sweaty and out of breath from rushing around confirming that your house, nay, your life is all one tangled, strangled mess that can't be cured in the space of an hour, shed your clothes and try to look peaceful and sexy.

Step 4: Give up on "peaceful and sexy." Attempt "a little less frazzled than normal." That ought to do it.

Step 5: Good heavens--don't look in the mirror!!!!! It's hopeless, I tell you! You'll start by thinking maybe a little concealer here and there would be a good idea. Pretty soon, you're trying to wipe out every dark spot, laugh line, and stretchmark. You'll go through a whole jar of your most expensive make-up by the time you realize there isn't enough Mac in the world!

Step 6: Lounge seductively on the backdrop.

Step 7: Stop laughing at the concept of "lounge seductively." No really, stop. It's making the extra flesh ripple and roll and this does not a pretty picture make!

Step 8: Extend your arm out as far as you can with the camera while holding a smouldering pose . . . and not allowing your hair to slide off your shoulders and cover your cleavage . . . and willing your boobs to defy gravity . . .

Step 9: Snap a few photos. Make sure you're not accidentally taking video of yourself.

Step 10: Delete the video you accidentally took of yourself.

Step 11: Go to the computer and assess the damage. And now is the time to wonder why you didn't bother to shave your legs first. And why you couldn't have maybe employed enticing (and somewhat covering and supporting) lingerie. And why you at the very least didn't think of lightly touching your skin right beneath your armpits so your nipples would look all pert and firm instead of looking all . . . 40.

Step 12: Perform triage. What I meant to say was: make generous use of whatever photo editing tools you have. Be brutal with this step:
  • Crop out all the body parts that aren't pleasing. (I conveniently lost my legs, hips, butt, arms, tummy and 3/4 of my torso. And I'm still not happy with the end result . . . )
  • Use the blurring tool to soften the edges. (Looking at my finished product makes you kinda feel like visiting the eye doctor . . . )
  • Tone down the color and adjust the light levels a little if you want to lose any visible imperfections in your skin. (I toned it down and adjusted a little extra. My photo is now black and white. Well, mostly white . . . )

Voila! Now you have a grainy, almost unrecognizable likeness of "Sex Kitten Meets Motherhood."

And the final step? Wonder (you know--now, after doing all that work) what you can possibly do with this picture. Save it to a disk and take it to the photo center at Costco for them to print on 11" x 13" glossy paper? Print it yourself, frame it and hang it so all your children, family, friends and neighbors can admire it? Create a wallet print for hubby so when he's out with the boys and has a few drinks he can share it with everyone at the bar?

Yeah. Another one of my brilliantly thought out projects . . .


Kuckie said...

OMG!! You crack me up with this stuff! I am laughing at the image of you trying to lounge seductively, laughing, and trying to get your picture without using video....


And anyway, you know...those pics ALWAYS end up getting found by someone!

Storybook Woods said...

Oh you have to bring the photo on Saturday. I dare you, I double dare you xoxoxo

Whitenoise said...

I'd pay to see that... ;-)

ajooja said...

When I saw there were already three comments, I just knew there would already be some sort of sexist comment.

I would have bet money on Cap'n Noise too. :)

(NEXT STEP: Post on Internet.)

countrymouse said...

Actually, Kuckie, it wasn't the photos themselves I was worried about someone finding, it was the stupid video of me trying to look all alluring while mumbling, "why isn't this effing camera taking a picture?" Being me is a tough gig : )

Clarice, since you've offered to feed me *and* get me drunk, how can I not honor your request? ; )

And Cap'n Noise just gave me an idea for earning a few extra Christmas bucks . . .

Sure, Ajooja--I'll get right on that 'post on the internet' step. Because isn't *everybody* dying to see overly edited photos of frumpy naked housewives? ; )

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

You didn't really do all this, did you?

countrymouse said...

Yes, Jennifer, I really did. Every bit of it. Well, I didn't actually use the *entire* jar of concealer, I saw it was going to be a lost cause : )

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...


Rick said...

Send me a copy!