Saturday, November 3, 2007

dude, this is what personal ads are for

All you blogger buddies--you’ll know what I’m talking about. When you have a publicly viewed Internet space, you get a mix of readers, commenters and private messagers. Most of these folks are nice or funny or thoughtful or encouraging or interesting or inspiring . . . But some of them are, hmmmm, well, they’re just a little different.

Over the last couple weeks, a purposefully unidentified man has been e-mailing me with the repeated suggestion that we chat via IM or maybe meet for coffee. Things he said, things he didn’t say, information he wasn’t willing to share all left me feeling kinda funny about what was going on. Instead of being patient and letting it ride to find out just who this person is and what he wants, I bluntly asked him what his deal is.

And his answer?

"I am looking for someone who might be in a similar situation as me: married, and for the most part very happy, but wanting more in the intimacy department. I am patient, not a man-whore, looking for someone with whom I can establish a long term quasi-monogamous (aside from spouse) relationship with. So, if you are interested in something like that, please let me know."

Oh my.

Part of me is thinking maybe this is someone I know (or a friend of someone I know) just jacking me around for the sport of it. Or perhaps it’s one of hubby’s friends who has read my blog and is testing my fidelity?

I asked this man, we’ll call him Jude Law, if either of those scenarios was the case. He assured me it wasn’t anything as sordid as that. He’s just interested in the philanderous sex.

I shouldn’t have declined quite so quickly. I should have played it for awhile--at least until I could get some answers to the million questions I have about his suggested arrangement.

For example, if he contacted me, one would assume he has also contacted at least a handful of other candidates. If he took each potential conquest individually out for coffee and a chat, isn’t that tantamount to the women applying for the position (pun fully intended) of mistress?

Jude claims that he and his family just moved here 6 months ago. I want to know if he had a similar situation worked out in the last place he lived. And how did it end? Was it a tearful goodbye? Do they keep in contact? Does he arrange for convenient ‘business trips’ in order to visit his former long-term-quasi-monogamous partner?

And really? Who’s to say there isn’t more than one partner? How many side dishes has this guy cooked up for himself?

And what of logistics? Since Jude is specifically looking for a married woman, then where is the ‘intimacy’ conducted? If it’s a regularly scheduled tryst, hotels could get expensive. His house? His married mistress’ house? A friend’s place? His car?

What if Jude is into . . . ahem . . . ‘costumes’ or ‘props’ that he doesn’t use with his wife? Where would those items be kept when not in use? Is there a storage locker somewhere filled with the trappings of this extra-marital business? Oh--hey! If it’s a big enough storage locker--maybe there’s also a bed, and a night stand, and candles, and a champagne bucket, and a trapeze and that’s where the actual ‘intimacy’ is conducted!

And what about birthdays and Christmas and the anniversary of the beginning of the affair? Maybe it’s just a girl thing, but I would want to share, or at least acknowledge, special occasions. It wouldn’t be possible though. Under those clandestine circumstances, you’d never be able to go out for a romantic dinner. You’d be unable to give a meaningful gift. You couldn’t spontaneously jump into the car and spend the day doing something whimsical and out of the ordinary. It would be more like a dry business relationship. {shudder}

I’m not up for playing Katharine Hepburn to an unseen, unknown Spencer Tracy. Or any Spencer Tracy, for that matter.

And no--I have NOT spent way too much time thinking about this . . .


Rick said...

Comment #1- That is bizzarre.
#2- He has good taste.
#3- Did he meet the height requirement?
#4- Be careful.

Rick said...

bizarre sorry!

whitenoise said...

I love the way you put a humourous twist on this... where does one keep the props? ;-)

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

I would never have considered the props question. Then again, I've never been propositioned like this. What did your husband say?

Geggie said...

The truth truly is stranger than fiction. Creep.

WendyB said...

"We'll call him Jude Law." ROTFLMAO

countrymouse said...

Yes, Rick--bizarre! I'm glad I'm not the only one who thinks so : )

Jen, hubby and I looked at each other with shock written on both our faces. Then he told me (for like the upteenth time) "This is why I want you to be careful!"

Geggie, I agree. But there's more to the story. I'll probably write about it later.

countrymouse said...

Oh, and Rick--hee hee, you're too funny : ) He exceeds the height requirement by a lot. He's well over a foot taller than me!

WN--I haven't found out the answer to that question yet : )

ajooja said...

Is he a regular reader? Does he have some kind of bloggy/Internet friendship with you already?

If not, I can't understand it.

However, I can certainly understand a genuine, innocent Internet friendship that goes beyond the normal boundaries.

Been there, done that, got hurt, lost a friend, patched things up, went back to being "just friends."

Those 850 miles between my friend and I have been horrible -- because we've never met in person -- but it probably kept things from getting out of hand.

I need to shut up, but you were right to be wary of this sort of thing.

countrymouse said...

hey, ajooja, nice to see you : )

No--I have no prior friendship with this guy at all. Never have heard from him before. Out of the blue he started chatting me up. I think he would have taken things more slowly except that I bluntly asked what the hell was going on. I'll write the rest of the story later.

I empathize with you. I've felt the sting of losing a close internet friend. Our relationship was along the lines of a surrogate mother kind of thing. It ended sadly--because how else do close relationships end, right? It's a hurt I still feel, but am learning to let go of. *sigh* I'm glad you were able to patch your friendship back up. I was hoping for the same, but it looks like that's not happening.