Sunday, November 11, 2007

And again, Chuck Norris is a curse to me!

I promise--this will be the last time I talk about sex. For, like, 5 minutes anyway . . .

I am here once again to dispense wisdom. Without further ado, a tip (pretty much only applicable to the ladies):

Should you happen to retire to the bedroom with your significant other for a little, ahem, quality time . . .

And should you happen to turn on the TV in the bedroom to provide subterfuge because there are children in the house and children should never overhear their parents having sex . . . which you know for a fact . . . because you've been down that road before . . .

If per chance when you turn on the TV you decide you don't care what happens to be on, just so long as it provides an adequate aural screen . . .

Think again!

For, should the TV in the background be playing an episode of the insipid 'Walker, Texas Ranger' . . .

And if, by coincidence, during the segue between foreplay and the main event the insipid TV program reaches the pivotal, inspirational, emotional moment . . .

And the song accompanying said inspirational, emotional moment turns out to be "Climb Every Mountain" at the very moment that your husband is, ummmmmmmm, summiting a small, wife-shaped mountain . . .

You might (since you can ignore neither the song nor the coincidence) accidentally giggle.

Do not giggle!

Significant other might think you are giggling at him . . .

He might, in fact, worry that you are giggling because you are comparing him to Chuck Norris.


  • Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
  • Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.
  • Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse . . . horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Giggling--followed by chortling as you deny the accusation of making unfavorable Chuck Norris comparisons--might not enhance the mood.

The mood might suffer.

The mood might be lost.

The mood, in fact, might disappear for some time. Some long time. Some looooooooooooooong, indefinite, lonely time . . .

Not that I know this firsthand, of course. I'm just guessing at what could happen if you tried to have a nooner while Chuck Norris is on TV in the background . . .

10 comments:

whitenoise said...

It's a public service, you provide here...;-)

Storybook Woods said...

I am sitting here with tears coming out of my eyes, while Aubern'e is staring at me. BUT I can not share what is sooo funny. You crack me up. I love you Clarice

Kate said...

So are you telling me that when I have kids, I must install a tv in my bedroom for moments like this??? That's exaclty the reason why we don't have one in there now - b/c it's distracting - lol. I learn something new everyday :)

Jennifer (Jen on the Edge) said...

Thank you, oh Goddess Country Mouse, for sharing wisdom with us.

To recap: Chuck Norris = sexual frustration.

Good to know.

Geggie said...

I'm embarrassed that I'm laughing so hard in public!

Kuckie said...

Holy crap Country Mouse!! I seriously think your life should be a sitcom...you have the best stories!

countrymouse said...

WN--I aim to please ; )

Oh dear Clarice--I am sorry to deny you a mother/daughter moment : ) Later my friend--much, MUCH later, you'll be able to laugh together with Aubern'e about things like this!

Umm, yeah, Kate. And also? ALWAYS lock the door. Another lesson we learned the hard way . . .

omigosh--Jennifer, I never quite thought of it like that! Let's hope Mr. Norris doesn't catch wind of your discovery!

Geggie, it absolutely tickles me to make you laugh. Loudly. In public : )

know what, Kuckie? For some reason, hubby just doesn't find our lives 'sitcom funny.' He finds our life together a bit frustrating. And a tad embarrasing once I've shared with one and all : )

ajooja said...

We usually put the television on HGTV. We can turn it up relatively loud and still zone it out.

Of course, our stupid bed is the squeekiest on the planet. That's worse than my wife's increasingly louder moaning. :)

Geggie said...

I tagged you for a meme...I hope you'll play. I know you have plenty of wierd things to share (heheh).

countrymouse said...

Oh no--ajooja--I'm not sure exactly why, but somehow what you said is triggering flashbacks of my childhood days when my bedroom was adjacent to my parents' bedroom . . .

Hey Geggie--I appreciate being tagged, but I've done that meme a couple times now and really, how weird can one little countrymouse be, right? I'm thinking of taking it another direction : )