Thursday, September 6, 2007

It's okay to lie in a job interview, right?

So. We all know my pathetic story. Hubby isn't working because of an injury. I have no education. No training. No skills.

We have no money.

I've been applying for positions at the local, family owned grocery store. Because the pay is decent and they have superlative benefits.

I had one interview. It was for a position I didn't really want. This store is great about getting in touch with interviewees to let them know one way or the other. I never heard back from them. Then again, my answering machine was malfunctioning.

That's right. Answering machine. Not voicemail. Because we're technotarded.

Whether or not I actually got hired for the position I really didn't want is a moot point. Because I immediately hurt my arm and wouldn't have been able to perform the required duties anyway. (Subconscious sabotage? You be the judge . . . )

Today I had another interview. It was for a position I wouldn't mind having. It's in the pharmacy.

I left the house a little later than I expected and then remembered about the heavy road construction. Great. How 'bout if I show up late for the interview?

I took the back roads and arrived early. But a little flustered.

The interview room is up 3 flights of stairs. So not only was I flustered and nervous, but after the stair climb with my heart already racing with anxiety, I started mildly hyperventilating. I mentioned to them, with a smile of course, that I was a bit nervous and and was having trouble calming down. They laughed with me and tried to be as relaxed and friendly as possible.

And then they fired off the first question and I started to panic.

And my face started to sweat.

Nice touch.

"Tell us about yourself and why you want to work in our pharmacy."

About myself? Ack! I don't want to tell you the truth about me! I'm shy and lazy and I hate people and I want to work in your department because I need the money and the benefits! Duh! Oh yes, and I assume this is a position where I'm not going to have to clean a bathroom.

"I see you used to be a medical transcriber and you have been homeschooling your kids. Those jobs were both in a home setting. Do you think you'd be comfortable working with lots and lots of different kinds of people?"

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! I'm going to treat this question like I treat a bad dream--tell myself again and again that it's not real . . . it's all fake . . . nothing can hurt me . . . this will go away . . . all I have to do is somehow get around this perilous situation. All I have to do is lie. A lot.

"I see you have done a lot of volunteering during the last 15 years. Did you work on solitary projects or did you work with teams of people?

Oh bless you for remembering--since my overheated brain took an unscheduled vacation--about my volunteer work!!!! Yes! Yes, I've worked with tons of people while volunteering. And I hated every minute of it. But I did it!

"Sometimes we get unhappy customers. Tell us how you would handle confrontation."

Cry and go home?

"On the morning shift we only have one pharmacist and one assistant. It can get very busy and very backed up. Are you okay under pressure with that many people waiting to be taken care of?"

Yes. Just as long as I have the option, if I'm overwhelmed, of crying and going home.

"Is there any kind of person you would have a difficult time working with or for?"

Are you telling me I can hand pick the people I will be comfortable working with and serving? This is going to work out just great!

"Tell us about a situation in your life when you made a mistake and how you resolved it or learned from it."

Are you out of your f***ing gourd??????? Which of my millions of daily mistakes do I choose from? I wasn't prepared for this! What kind of twisted psychologically probing question is this? Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!

And the answer that came to my mind first? The answer that came flying out of my mouth before I had a chance to decide whether it was appropriate to say it? I told them that it was a mistake for me to try to tell my daughter not to marry the man she was engaged to . . . They were both silent for a moment. And then laughed nervously.

Trying to salvage what I could, I went on to say that I learned not to react like a mom to every situation. I learned to step back, look at the big picture and then make a decision as to the best way to help. All while riding on a glittery, flying, pink unicorn . . .

The real truth is that I've learned next to nothing and still plow on forward when all signs indicate caution. But I'm pretty sure that's not what they were going for . . .

"The responsibilities for this position, aside from customer service, will be filing, organizing and vacuuming. And cleaning the pharmacy bathroom."

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Not the bathroom!!!!! I wanted this position so I would never have to clean a bathroom!!!

"In all your previous experiences, has there been any aspect of your work that you particularly disliked?"

Yes!!! Cleaning the *&^%( #@!$%~ &^($#_@ BATHROOM!!!!!

"And finally, is there anything specific you would like us to remember about you?"

Oh--now I get why there are two interviewers instead of me being in a room alone with Mr. Pharmacy Manager. Because if we were alone, if it meant you'd hire me, I'd give you something to remember me by, baby!


Kuckie said...

#1. new favorite word. I will use it relentlessly until I get the hairy eyeball from DH.

#2. I say you've got the job! I guarantee no one had the answers you did!

whitenoise said...

Way funny! ;-)

Geggie said...

You're hired. Just because you're funny as heck.

Kate said...

I'm in HR and I would hire you in a minute just for being so brutally honest! And so you could be my work buddy b/c you crack me up!

ajooja said...

Awwww, great story.

I hate the fact that I never know if the interviewer wants honest answers or bullshit answers.

I hope things go well for you. :)

countrymouse said...

Kuckie, I don't know what the "hairy eyeball" is, but I can tell you it scares me and I *never* want to see it! : )

And thanks y'all for the support! Those weren't my actual answers, just what was going through my head. Except, of course, the one about my daughter. I actually did say that. What was I thinking???

The interview went very well. Both the interviewers told me I was great. But I still haven't heard back from them . . .