Wednesday, September 26, 2007

The grass isn't always so green on the other side

Beautiful has a myspace account. It has provided hours of hilarious mockery for us. Okay, that’s maybe not fair. But we do have some fun with it.

The number of socially awkward and/or predatory and/or stoopid and/or desperate and/or dysfunctional and/or societally rejected guys who try to e-woo her is just plain sad. And scary. And, frankly, disheartening.

So I conducted my own experiment. You know, in the name of science.

Without logging on to myspace, it’s possible to use the "Browse" function. Just for a look-see, I filled out the browse fields, searching for single men anywhere in the U.S. between the ages of 32 and 45 (I know--32 is a bit young for me--but this is science, dammit!)

O.M.G. As Beautiful puts it, the single guys on myspace are rejects from legitimate on-line dating services.

On the first result page that popped up, the photograph my eyes were immediately drawn to--and shocked by--was a naked guy sitting on a stool, holding a cowboy hat over his important bits. Just guessing, I’d say he’s gay? Clicking on his photo took me to his page, revealing that yes, he’s gay. That’s when I realized the Browse function is critically flawed by not offering an "orientation" field in the search criteria.

Going back to my search results, I saw (to describe but a few)

  • A picture of a fairly attractive man with a broad smile. The smile was a terrific advertisement for the fact that he is missing some of his front teeth . . .
  • A man who had someone else take his photo. From a distance of about 10 yards. Looking directly into his prison cell . . .
  • A guy who chose as his profile picture--the photo by which single women form their first impressions--a picture of him pretending to lick a poster of a young woman bending over whilst wearing a pair of those teeny, tiny short shorts. Good strategy, dude!
  • Lots of gorgeous transvestites. And a few ugly ones.
  • SO MANY OTHER-SIDE-OF-40-STILL-HOPING-TO-MAKE-IT-AS-ROCK-STARS!
  • Oh--and guys, just so you know, if you’re past the age of, oh I don’t know, 18? You’re too old to be flipping off the camera. Seriously. SERIOUSLY!
  • The guys--guys who are single and are on myspace for ‘serious relationships’--whose profile photos are of themselves surrounded by women. Proving that they once were able to catch one (or more?) Who is that photo going to appeal to?
  • The guy who could be the love child of Brad Pitt and Ethan Hawke--who also happens to be a model/actor. Okay, so I don’t really have anything snarky to say about this guy. He’s kinda hot . . .

But if this had been a contest, the hands-down winner in the WTF category had to be Brian. Brian is a midget (or do I say little person? Not sure about the PC.) In his profile photo Brian is wearing a shiny black suit and a luxurious fur coat. We could see he lives in Las Vegas. Beautiful and I had a difference of opinion as to Brian’s occupation. Her guess was pimp. Mine was porn actor.

Clicking on his photo took us to his page which prominently features photos of Brian with young, beautiful, (and sometimes not-muchly-dressed) women. Plus, lots of photos of himself with famous (or semi-famous) people. Pimp? Porn actor? We were still undecided.

Checking out all of his bio material and going to his photo page told us that neither Beautiful nor I was quite right. Sometimes Brian is an actor (but there’s no evidence to corroborate my exact theory as to what kind of acting.) Sometimes Brian is a model? Sometimes spokesperson? And maybe emcee? Sometimes he appears in drag in Vegas shows. Brian, if nothing else, is interesting.

What was my point? I don’t remember. Oh--maybe it was that if you’re a single girl older than 22ish--myspace isn’t the place to look for a partner. Or maybe my point was if you need a chuckle, go do a quick myspace browse : ) Or maybe my point was if you’re a single guy and you’re looking for love on myspace--don’t be a loser about it. Or maybe my point was to remind myself that I am damn lucky!

6 comments:

Geggie said...

Heh. Myspace. I just don't get it. It's official, I'm a grown up.

Influencebad said...

OMG that reminds me of all the times my mom and I used that little browse feature and just about died laughing. ^_^

And the guys 21-30 aren't much better than the age range you were looking in. ^_^

Jennifer said...

You just reminded me of why I just don't get MySpace or Facebook.

whitenoise said...

Hmmm... never been on either, but I'm thinking that I should scope out some females in the interest of "serious scientific research"... ;-)

ajooja said...

I can't believe how many people suffer through the horrible operating system (or whatever you call it) for MySpace. It's just such an awkward Web site. I can't believe it ever got that popular.

Rick said...

and so is your hubby.