Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Bean Blasphemy and other sins

While driving to the Wal-Mart the other day to stock up on blue eye shadow and summer clearance tube tops, Beautiful and I got to talking about our sneaking suspicion that our family exists on the ragged edge of the lumpenproletariat.

The result of that conversation?

Top 10 symptoms suggesting the diagnosis that our family suffers, en masse, from a severe and incurable case of Whitetrashiosis:

10. Once, while trying to discourage a young man's attentions, Beautiful brought up the subject of her mother--hoping that if he knew I was an integral [overbearing] part of her life, he would give up on her. Not to be deterred, her admirer coaxed, "I'm sure your mother is a fine lady." Beautiful countered, "My mom's no lady! She can belch the alphabet!"

That, however, is an outrageous lie. I can only make it to M.

9. Hubby and both boys make an annual pilgrimage to the monster truck rallies. This is not a joke. They actually do this. And not only do they voluntarily go, but the boys always return home with souvenir black monster truck T-shirts. Which they proudly wear. Oy.

8. Yes. We eat green bean casserole.

7. And yes, we shop at Wal-Mart. Though we really hate it and are morally and ethically opposed to it. But darn if it isn't just so convenient!

6. It's a legitimate question to ask my husband, "Does this gene pool make me look fat?"

5. Our back porch? There is no roof over it. So, since the move to this house 5 1/2 years ago was intended to be temporary anyway, hubby fixed the problem by--and there's no way I would have thought to make this up--affixing a motorhome awning outside the back door. It's still there 5 1/2 years later. And so are we. At least it's not a blue tarp?

4. Youngest thinks those hats with 2 beer cans and the tubes for straws are the best invention EVER!!! He wants one so he can drink 2 cans of root beer at the same time. While wearing his monster truck T-shirt. At Wal-Mart . . .

3. An actual conversation between myself and the man I love,
Me: "Hey, what if we painted the dining room a soft shade of raspberry?"
The Man I Love: "No way. That color would clash with the cobwebs."

2. Beautiful and I pulled into our driveway one day. "Mom?" she asked with that exasperated tone in her voice, "Why do we have so many cars in our driveway?" I gave her the only answer that could explain it: "Because we're crackers, honey. It's the law."

And the Number 1 telling sign that we cannot escape who we really are:

1. Once again, going back to 5 1/2 years ago when we temporarily moved into this house? While doing some major repairs to the teensy, tiny bathroom in which the washer and dryer were supposed to reside, my darling hubby decided it was a good idea to hook the washer up elsewhere so I could still manage the laundry. And by "elsewhere" I mean in the back yard. Seriously. And yet, we didn't get divorced . . .


Geggie said...

There is nothing wrong with green bean casserole, I love it.

Storybook Woods said...

Well when we saw the first sentence with blue eye shadow, tube tops and Wal-Mart you had me laughing. We will not talk about green bean casserole ;-)
xoxoxo Clarice

whitenoise said...

This strikes too close to home... ;-)

I literally rescued my mother from the trailerparks of Timmins, a rough 'n' tumble mining city in northern Ontario. Now I keep her hidden in the basement while I struggle for respectability.

At least there are no broken-down Skidoos in my yard...

Jennifer said...

[shudder] green bean casserole [shudder]

Are crispy onions part of the recipe?