Thursday, July 26, 2007

Curse you, Chuck Norris! Part II

Kickboxing. I had no experience with kickboxing other than viewing Tae Bo commercials very late at night. While eating Cap'n Crunch. With chocolate milk. Evidently, I didn't pay all that much attention to the commercials because it somehow escaped my notice that kickboxing is full-on aerobics. In this case, 45 minutes of full-on aerobics!

Wouldn't you think on the first day the instructor would take a little time to explain body alignment and positioning, describe the moves, give a little background, go a little easy? Maybe he would on a first day. But that would be my first mistake--assuming that I was signed up for a beginners' class that was just commencing.

Monday morning found me in a room full of experienced kickboxers--beautiful, slim and lithe. Every damn one of them. Like they all just stepped off the set of Desperate Housewives. This is no beginners' class. This is an ongoing, open-enrollment class.

Dave The Instructor pumped up the music and proceeded with the legal torture. And I was expected to keep up. Period. He did come by my side a few times to explain the finer nuances and check on my progress. Whenever I stopped for a sip of water--or a desperate gasp of oxygen--he smiled at me and gave me the thumbs up. Instructor Dave is Pure Evil too.

As Evil Instructor Dave described one of the combinations, I heard him use the term "roundhouse kick." Curse you and your roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris!

Reciting the sequence in my head as I went through the moves: Lead leg roundhouse kick, touch, step, touch, roundhouse kick; touch, step, touch, roundhouse kick; touch, step, touch . . . but instead of 'roundhouse kick' my mind began to substitute Chuck Norris facts:

touch, step, touch, "Chuck Norris doesn't sleep--he waits"; touch, step, touch, "Guns don't kill people--Chuck Norris kills people"; touch, step, touch, "Chuck Norris doesn't read books--he stares them down until he gets the information he wants . . . "

Chuck isn't even physically in the building--he has nothing whatsoever to do with this program--and he's still kicking my ass! Such is the power of Chuck Norris.

Okay, okay, okay. Fine. The truth? As Cheek would say, it does not suck. I actually enjoy this class. It's a great workout. And I'm kinda good at it. And evil as he is, Instructor Dave is an energetic, tough but twinklingly optimistic, fun teacher. And really--this couldn't be a more cliche thing to say--it's true that there is something so satisfying about spending most of an hour punching and roundhouse kicking a big defenseless bag.

So . . . thank you Evil, Manipulative Biotch Sis-in-Law. (I hate admitting she was right!)

Oh, and one last thing. Chuck Norris may be Chuck Norris, but I've given birth three more times than he has. By my calculations, that makes me approximately three times tougher than that Nancy-boy Chuck! But maybe let's not tell Mr. Norris I said that : )


Kate said...

just take it slowly - you'll begin to feel so much better once you finish each session. it is brutal at the beginning, though.

btw - i tagged you. check out my site if you're interested. if not, no biggie

Influencebad said...

Oh, be careful with what you say about Chuck Norris! Remember, when Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. O_O

But, I have a secret for you:


ajooja said...

Ooooooo, that makes me sore just reading it. :)

Kristin said...

Hi Kate : ) Yes--brutal is a fair word for this : ) But--also I do like it and felt much better about mid week than I had in the beginning! Thanks for the tag : )

Oooh, influencebad--we could get in such trouble with Chuck! Because you know: If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

ajooja--I'm so sore I could hardly type it! : )

whitenoise said...

Roundhouse kicks...I'll have to remember not to make you mad. ;-)

Kristin said...

That's right, baby! Cross me and I'll kick your ass!! ; )

Angie said...

You're damned right you've given birth 3 more times than Chuck, the wussie! Oh Kristin, I can just hear you saying all these things to yourself while you sweat your heart out. You're doing great, you're kicking ass, and I'm soo proud of you!!