Tuesday, June 12, 2007

The Gateway Crime

I am not a rule breaker. "Fifteen items or fewer" line? I'd sooner deprive my family of a pantry staple than try to sneak in with 16. Misuse handicapped parking? Never! One of our local markets reserves parking spots for expectant and new mothers. It's just a suggestion--not a law. Still, I would not dare take one of those spots. If that market had specially marked parking stalls for crack hos and the criminally insane I wouldn't dream of parking there either. And not because people might mistake me for one of those unfortunate folks. I wouldn't want to be guilty of being unaccommodating to crack hos or the criminally insane.

Seat belts, speed limits, turn signals. I obey everything. I put my grocery cart in the collection rack, I rewound videotapes (back when that was relevant) and I don't fudge on my taxes. Yes--I color inside the lines.

Today, however, I committed an infraction that I am still suffering guilt over. I may have to turn myself in to the authorities.

I had exactly two hours from the time I left my doorstep until the time I had to be back home to meet up with one of the kids. In those two hours, I was trying to find something special to wear to a dinner party. I rushed into Macy's and picked out several things to try on. Speed walking back to the fitting rooms, I was stopped by the sign near the door: "Four garment limit." I had eight.

My instinct, naturally, was to obey the store rule. I searched for a rack on which to hang my extra items. None existed. There was no attendant. I was running out of time. Glancing from side to side, I boldly stepped beyond the fitting room doors with all 8 items! Never have I so blatantly crossed such a threshold.

If disregarding department store policy came so easily, what's next? Tomorrow will I refuse to hold doors open for others? Will I be out jay walking with abandon? Am I capable of littering? Will I be taking two cheese samples at the deli?!

If I can't manage to get this crime spree under control, I may one day qualify to park in one of the spots reserved for crack hos and the criminally insane. I'm so glad my mother doesn't read this blog . . .


whitenoise said...

Dudette...! Now I'm worried that you're going to rip the tag off your mattress.

Do they allow laptop computers in prison?

CheekierMeSly said...

I don't think you need to worry about just one crack ho who feels possessive about her parking space. Ms. Apostrophe Flinger; you've been warned! (Be sure to check out the poem!).
(I know I know I know - I can't help myself.)

Kristin said...

I *wanted* to follow the apostrophe rules--I swear Mistress Cheek--really! But I didn't think "hos" was terribly clear . . . Please--give me another chance!

Influencebad said...

Frankly, I'm shocked. Just shocked. And you were such a role model.


Rick said...

OMG! You have to to stop this crime spree, or your next stop may be sharing a cell with Paris!