Thursday, May 10, 2007

Reservations for Pity, Party of One

Ever have one of those days?

One of those days when the threatening cloud bank on the horizon moves itself a little closer?

When the settlement offer for your husband's injury from the car accident comes in and it's such a low offer that even though you know it's all part of the game and you'll either counter or go to arbitration, you still have a panic attack about how the rest of your life is going to play out depending on this one situation that is hopelessly out of your hands.

When you suddenly feel anxious pangs over whether the 'career' path you're about to pursue, while it might make you happy, might not actually be enough to pay the bills.

When you've been sick and you try to take a walk to collect your thoughts but you're so tired all you really want to do is lie down on the side of the road for a nap.

And in the middle of your "cleansing" walk, your iPod, the thing that has suddenly become the only important, personal, controllable thing in your universe, malfunctions and you can't skip to the songs you really want to hear.

When you realize that someone you think of as a close friend is a guy and not at the same station in life and he doesn't quite understand. And he never really will.

And you have close, attentive, understanding girlfriends but you don't want to burden them because they've already been holding your hand for a year through all the other ill-mannered changes.

And you have your partner--your sweet, loving, steadfast husband--to confide in, but this is all hitting him too and you know that your level of stress is just ratcheting his through the roof.

When you know you're allowing yourself to wallow but you can't quite talk yourself out of it.

And then the iPod shuffles to a song you love but it's poignant and makes you think of sad things and the tears are rushing forward like a flowing tide and the iPod still won't let you skip.

When you realize it's not just that you're a country mouse, it's more a case of borderline agoraphobia and it's affecting your life more and more.

One of those days when you're at Supercuts with your son and there's a young mother who pokes a bottle into her 6 week old, carseat-captive baby's mouth before heading over to the chair to have her hair done for her wedding that's in a couple of hours. And you want nothing more than to hold that sweet baby while he eats or at least take the poor child out and burp him when he's done but you don't want to overstep societal boundaries. And even if you were bold enough to politely ask the mother if she would like your help because you can see in her face how overwhelmed she is today, you can't do it because you're still too sick.

And people who you love deeply are hurting and there isn't a f***ing thing you can do about it. And frankly, even if you could, they don't necessarily want you to do anything about it.

Then the iPod switches to a different version of the same poignant song and now it's not just a few silent tears, an actual cry noise escapes your throat but you're still out walking and you can't run home fast enough. And you still can't skip to another song!

And you get, with zero uncertainty, that the stuff in your life that's bothering you is really just western crybaby crap. You're aware that people everywhere are suffering from problems that are measureless and unsolvable. And yet you still can't let go.

Ever have one of those days?

Yeah. Me either.


whitenoise said...

You confused me with Yeah. Me either, but I'm assuming that these were all things that you actually experienced yesterday?

I think you touched on this yourself, but sometimes things seem much bigger than they really are when we're standing right next to them. You will get through all of this. Not just survive, but thrive. You have it in you and you are surrounded by good people who love you.

Now, having said all of that. Feel free to vent your feelings here. It's your blog, that's what it's for.

Chin up, Kristin. It's all going to be okay.

CheekierMeSly said...

Real change cannot happen without pain. It's only human to grieve for the life that was. The rub is that inbetween state - where you know change is needed, it's the right thing, but change to WHAT, and HOW to do it, adds fear to pain.

Hold on to what's important. Let the rest go.

Kristin said...

"Yeah. Me either" was me pretending that I'm not really complaining this much about things that I know are going to be okay. But damn, I really am this whiny!

You're right whitenoise, I am surrounded by people who love me--I have a great network. Some days are just overwhelming.

Cheek--that *is* the rub, isn't it? It's like that nervousness just before a race begins and it feels like *any* outcome is possible and it's nervewracking. But once the gun finally goes off and you start running, the pattern begins to develop and you can make the best of it.

And thank you both for not chiding me in the midst of a hormonally charged, grousing day : )

Mary said...

Since this girlfriend has been the recipient of your generous and caring nature more times than I can count, and I'm sure every single other one of your friends would say the same, the last thing you need to worry about is burdening anyone with what is affecting your life.

That's what we're here for.

Peach Pod said...

Do you mean one of those days when you are so desperate to cry but don't like to cry in front of your kids so you take a 45 minute shower while sobbing and drinking wine? So have been there!

Kristin said...

Thank you Mary. And I know you're always a willing cistern for my river of whining : ) You've been amazing.

Peach Pod--I'm familiar with your blog and I know that you've been through some seriously sad, heavy stuff lately. I understand the long showers--including the wine!