Tuesday, March 13, 2007

10

Ten Days It's Sucked to be a Mom

10. That 3rd birth--the one where I refused to have another Cesarean and found out that 'regular' birth (and there's no other way I can think to describe this) hurts like crapping a brick. Sideways.

9. That 2nd birth--the one that wasn't an emergency c-section but the anesthetic wasn't quite working. Near as I can figure, that's how it feels to be trapped inside a slasher movie--strapped to a table while a psychopathic maniac (is that redundant? Doesn't matter--it's accurate!) tears through your bowels with a sharp instrument.

8. That 1st birth--the one that was an emergency c-section when I was 18 and terrified and I could even see the fear in my sturdy Mister's eyes . . .

7. When all the nebulous bits of evidence gelled and it became indisputable that Little Guy, great kid that he is, just doesn't have a head for books. *sigh*

6. Any day, any time over 21 years, that had to do with my kids' hurt feelings, broken trust, break ups, betrayal, abandonment, loss of friendship, getting left out . . .

5. Any night, any time during kids' teenagehood, when I wasn't quite sure where they were, when they'd be back or how I could get in touch with them . . .

4. That afternoon driving east on I 90, talking to Beautiful and getting a crystal clear view inside the workings of her mind and gaining an understanding of how amazing this girl really is. And suddenly wondering how I hadn't seen it before. Where the hell had I been? And next realizing, in one awful, crashing moment, how widely I had missed the mark with her all the previous 15 years and that there was no way to make up for that . . .

3. That awful night--that excruciating, stomach-churning night--when I witnessed firsthand the evidence to corroborate my long held suspicion that FT isn't quite up to being as good to Beautiful as she deserves.

2. That Tuesday afternoon when I had to call Number One and tell him his closest friend--his spiritual brother--had been killed in a car accident the night before.

1. That incomprehensible day when it became evident that Beautiful could forgive and go back to FT. And all that it implies for her future . . .

5 comments:

smilnsigh said...

Thank you for loving my kitchen tiles. And for telling how you help "bring Spring"....by cutting/forcing branches from quince and plum trees. :-)

Mari-Nanci

whitenoise said...

Very nice.

Sometimes it sucks to be a dad, too, but you're a couple grades ahead of me in this school.

My oldest turns 13 this summer. Middle kid, "Happy Jack" is somewhere on the autism spectrum and will always need special attention. The Daredevil, my currently 4-yr-old daughter, may cause me the most grief about 9 or 10 years from now... ;-(

smilnsigh said...

And Hon, many days suck, being a Mom. And being a Dad. Which *brilliant* statement {of mine} doesn't make any of the suckage any easier to take, or go away.

But yes, it does help to sometimes sit ourselves down and fully admit that life can suck.

"Pollyanna-ism" can't last forever. We need to see life, as it is.

Joseph Campbell said everything better than I can... and he said some variation on... "Life is perfect. It's a mess. It's always been a mess. We deal with it, as it comes and don't think we can fix-it-all-up. Just work on doing what we can, with ourselves."

Eeeek! I should be ashamed of myself for paraphrasing him! OK, I am ashamed of myself for so doing. But anyway, I know what he meant. Even if I can't remember the exact words. :-)

Mari-Nanci

Kristin said...

I know, I know, I know--way too heavy on the complainy side today. I do have a part two--the good stuff, but it was too long for just one post.

Loved the Joseph Campbell paraphrases : ) What is it with thinking we can or need to 'fix' everything?

Oh whitenoise--my heart goes out to you. You do have a pregnant future on your horizon . . . Particularly with you being away so much. My husband was also away a lot with work. At the time it seemed hardest on the boys. Today, however, we are reaping the harvest for how it affected our daughter . . . Good times.

The good news is, for the most part, kids and parents come out the other side just fine, a little frayed around the edges, but just fine : )

smilnsigh said...

No Kristin! Not too heavy on the complainy side! No! You put in your blog, exactly what feels right at the moment.

I didn't say it right... -sigh- Being a lot farther 'down the road,' than you are, I meant that... suckage keeps rearing its ugly head, along the way. And it helps me to see life, like Joseph Campbell did.

It helps _me_. But just because it helps me, doesn't mean it has to help everybody.

My "Queen Of The Universe" complex dies oh soooo hard. Yuck.

Mari-Nanci